"Your worst fear is your worst trait."
- Mark Peregrino

Mark is from my college barkada. We used to stay up all night chatting over YM, interpreting people's words and actions, questioning intentions, overthinking about current events and relationships, and thinking about the essence of life. Chos. Yes we do that but more often we would consult each other with outfits or be devil's advocates and be nega when one of us is much too happy for our own good or boost each other when we become too heartbroken or sad. We don't get to do it that much now that we're in the real world. But he's still one of my bestest friends ever. Teehee.

Postscript:
No. This is not one of those relationships that will end with both of us married to each other. But this is one of those that are for keeps.

“Change is nature, the part that we can influence, and it starts when we decide.”
- Remy, Ratatouille

I started my long day at 5 am with less than 4 hours of sleep due to my messed up body clock. What got me so eager and fired up? Baking classes! In an attempt to find things to get me motivated, I enlisted myself to Chef Carrie Madrid's Cupcake Workshop I under the Heny Sison Culinary School. I always had this stereotype for chefs to be snooty, given their expertise but Chef Carrie was easily approachable and encouraging. I loved the class and how enlightening it was for me, being such a noob.

The class was composed of around 16-20 people with 4-5 people working as a team. The cupcake batches and the different frosting were created as a group. In the end, individuals were left to their element to create the entire ensemble.

And being the forgetful and sleepy person that I am, I didn't get to bring a camera to take photos with newfound friends and all the hustle and bustle in the kitchen. Which I have written in my mental notebook not to forget for my future class(es). So please note that these photos were taken after my long ride from Cubao to Fairview with a trip to Trinoma in between. Luckily there was little mangling and damage.

So here ya go folks, meet my babies.







My favorites, Tres Leches and Tiramisu, are the complicated ones to make. Seems like it says something about me huh? Anyway, now the challenge would be when I make it on my own. From scratch. Cupcake Workshop II is scheduled next week, I'd love to go but I think I would opt to absorb all of what was taken up today, put it into practice and find out the results. That way I'd get to raise questions from experience when I attend the March run of the 2nd workshop. Hopefully time and my financial capacity will permit.

Browsing channels for my downtime today, I chanced upon one of my favorite Pixar movies, Ratatouille. Seems like cooking's the theme for my day since it started and ended with this. How encouraging can life be?

I'm coming alive people. Beware. Chos.

Labels: Chef Carrie Madrid, Cupcake Workshop I, Heny Sison Culinary School, Ratatouille

"You know what I think?" she says. "People's memories are maybe the fuel they burn to stay alive. Whether those memories have any actual importance or not, it doesn't matter as far as the maintenance of life is concerned. They're all just fuel. Advertising fillers in the newspaper, philosophy books, dirty pictures in a magazine, a bundle of ten-thousand-yen bills: when you feed 'em to the fire, they're all just paper. The fire isn't thinking, 'Oh this is Kant,' or 'Oh this is the Yomiuri evening edition,' or 'Nice tits,' while it burns. To the fire, they're nothing, but scraps of paper. It's the exact same thing. Important memories, not-so-important memories, totally useless memories: there's no distinction - they're all just fuel.

With at least 30 books to read for the year down my alley, I started with Haruki Murakami's After Dark, which I received for Christmas from one of my work best friends whom I really treasure (Hola work best friend Jc Javier!). The book was separated into hours of the night for chapters from shy of 12 midnight to almost 7 in the morning and a girl in deep sleep, unable to wake up. Which was eerily so apt for me given the high activity I am into when darkness breaks and the amount of sleep I succumb to once I get into it.

Admittedly, I am a memory freak. I've had this habit of keeping tissue paper from restaurants, concert tickets or anything I can get as keepsake to document places and events I've been to with friends and family. I've placed random quotes in my planner or in my blog that would sometimes take me a lot of time to scramble for more details to completely remember or seem entirely indecipherable to me as I look back now. But then at that point of time, I would say that each particular memory, served its purpose. I went on moving forward to where I am now with those memories. With the motivation and gusto coming from the friends, family and dreams that mattered the most.

I started reading Murakami way back in college, when there were some parts I couldn't relate to or understand fully and I didn't mind. I just let it pass and proceeded on reading. Even so, back then there were passages like the one above that would give light on things I don't put focus on. So I'll have a go at it and put his books up on my re-read list.

Labels: After Dark, Haruki Murakami

..you have to set yourself on fire.

Children walking barefoot across the streets under the scorching sun, weaving in the pattern of cars caused by either stoplight or traffic. Children in tattered clothes defenseless under the cold rain with nowhere to go. Children hitching on jeepneys trying to clean your shoes for a piece of coin. This never fails to tug at my heartstrings.

Some kids have the feel of helpless and some you can sense the smarts from the way they act or the attempts to flatter you so they can finagle food or money. Whatever the case may be, I give when I can.

I was in the passenger seat once, and a child knocked on the window of the driver's side (translation:begging) my friend knocked back (translation:no). My friend went on to complain as to how these kids are under the management of syndicates who get to earn from all the alms that we give.

But, isn't it that these kids get a beating or are not given food when they don't get to bring something back? To my way of thinking when we give food, we feed them. When we give them money, we save them from a night of beating or a night of starvation.

But then, we don't get to address the aggravating cycle of syndicates. Which I think should be left to the government. Pardon me but I cannot come up with something more helpful right now.

So we do what we think is right. Just my two cents on it.

Ta ta for now.

There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. - 11 Things to Know at 25(ish)

There lives in me a decrepit old man. Most days I fight him, most weekends I let him win.

I had my fortune told once, the fortune teller predicted that this is my fifth and will be my last life. Three out of my four past lives were that of men, mostly leaders of tribes and kingdoms and in one life, a reclusive woman. The mechanics of the life recycling game is that your soul gets revived every time you are not able to fulfill your calling. So aside from the tiredness that comes from the four lives I've lived, assuming it were true. There exists this pressure to make it. My life's calling that is. Five's a good number. Five's my favorite number. Seems like a good number to end my life cycles too. Hmm ok enough banter. I gotta get back to work. Kthxbye.

This was written July 7, 2:00 AM. I wanted to write a different one because I don't feel my writing here buuut this'll do.

--

Because sleep evades.

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

NBSB. For twenty three years, I have been single. It isn't as sad to me as some people think it is. I dont feel the pressure to fill in the space that I am aware of is empty. Yet.

Eldest child drama. My father died when I was 17, my mom has stopped working a couple of years after their marriage. If you are a constant reader of my blog then you probably know that providing for my family is my priority. If not, then well there you go. I find fulfillment in my capacity of doing so. Probably the reason why I'm still not into a relationship is partially this. Equally a taker and a giver, I have soo many things I want for my family and myself. Right now, what I give for my family is not enough. And I see myself wanting to give my all in a relationship and that can be quite conflicting with my goals right now. But then if there's this person i'd want to be with, i'd glady jump off that cliff and dive into that sea. I'll just cross or burn bridges when I get there.

Unresolved quarterlife crisis. I still don;t know what I want to do or what I'm gonna do with my life. My responsibilities are giving me some sort of direction right now but soon I will be holding the reins and taking charge. I feel incomplete not because I am without a person but because I have not yet found my life's calling. Or maybe when I find my person, things will be falling into place? I really can't tell. All I can do now is savor whatever I have and strive for moving forward, towards the goal of finding my goal.

Sucker. I am admittedly a sucker for love and drama and romance. I grew up on reading Sweet Valley High during grade school, then to romance novels during high school til early college, I then moved on to my Korean dramas which every now and then break my heart to pieces then put it back together again. But then sometimes, I feel like i'm jaded, I've read and watched too much, I can't really determine which ones are for real or not. So now some acuse me of high standards. But really I think not. I guess im more a hopeless romantic than jaded still. I'm still hoping for that intense connection and crazy magic.

Security blanket. I pretty much have a wide net of it called friends. I have at least two must-take trips every year with my constants; my hs and my college barkada. And I seem to pick-up a lot of bestfriends who I intend to keep forever and ever. Hence I rarely feel alone. Also, I don't mind being alone. I don't mind eating by myself in a restaurant. I'm fine with walks and long rides by myself where I get to think and think and think. Which is probably unhealthy at some point. (P.S. I'm good alone for only certain periods of time. I don't want to be forever alone and old and gray taking care of lots of cats or dogs as my babies and the neighbors either find me freaky or grumpy) And as usual, I digress.

Loneliness does creep up on me and knock me down. Like on rainy days and I feel so kilig but I have no person. Or when I get stuck with my couple friends and I get to be the only single in the table or car. I pretty much am used to it by now I stand up on my own pretty often.

Single life can be sparkly awesome, single life can be hauntingly lonely. As disjointed as these paragraphs are, this is pretty much how single life is for the life of Jan. Hihi.

Lezgo challenge!

I sleep too much, my average sleeping time hits from 10-12 hours whenever I work from home or its a weekend with nowhere to go. You and I can probably deduce that this is not healthy. AT ALL. Sometimes I wake up early but I just lay in bed with no will to move until I fall asleep again. I feel like in front of me is this glass wall and in front of it is a myriad of possibilities of what my future can be. And yet I stand still, motionless and confused because I am bombarded with so many choices, it is so much easier to just stay where I am. Is this depression or lazy? Or maybe I just need to take those meds to fix my anemia and get my blood pumping. Exercise too.

And then right now, I'm this person yet again brimming with excitement. Why? Because I've taken that baby step away from sub par and I will be taking one more, an adult step this time before the week ends. I won't divulge much until it all comes true. And I find more things to be excited about. A month ago, representatives from Inspire@HP were picked out to join the CSR Expo. Given that this was on the side of my actual work, I felt that I had no chance of joining. But then a slot freed up and I was able to grab the opportunity. And I feel alive again somehow from taking that baby step and grabbing that CSR slot. I felt my ears heating up and blood rushing to my veins. Ahhh the satisfaction of it.

Speaking of blood rushing to my veins, after about three weeks I finally see my crush again at Church and just his nearness makes me all jittery. I don't even know him know him. I just like the look of him. Hihi. Scold me for eyeing someone at Church but I promise I'm listening to the priest. My fighting spirit tells me that we'll get to know each other someday. There's an inevitability to it cos we did have a couple of bus rides together. And that was before I saw him at Church. Maybe God's bringing us together. Idk. Or that's just fighting spirit talking.

Anywayyy, I hope all this random bursts of energy will sustain me in the week to come. I'll cross my fingers and hold my breath. Toodles. <3

Silence screams.
Silence is a message,
just as doing nothing is an act.

Dear Papa,

It's the sixth year that I am unable to greet you a happy father's day and to thank you for everything. I wonder where you are and what kind of life you are living. Does heaven provide an alternate world where we still exist? Where I fix your coffee everyday, where Mama and you are still inseparable, where you play basketball and talk about man things with Balong, and of course where you act as Danika's protector when we keep bullying her. I'd imagine your heaven to consist of us, mango ice cream, movies and a pack of cigarettes. Whatever that world is, I hope it brings you peace.

Who I am today, the good parts of me, I owe to you. My direction, what I have of it, has always been drawn from you and your dreams for us. I would not be as strong as I am today if it weren't for you. It always makes me sad to think of things that I can no longer do with and for you. Like treat you out for dinner or someday introduce you to a man who I have fallen in love with, someone who would parallel your greatness. Or just the simple things, getting a hug or having those witty conversations we used to have. To say thank you. I love you. I'm sorry. To say anything.

When I think of you, I always think of the sweet memories, we've made a lot of them. For that I am thankful. I hope I left you with good memories as well and that you are able to bring them with you wherever you are. There is always a part of me that's missing with you gone. I love you papa, happy father's day. I miss you everyday.

No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently. - Agnes de Mille

It's all starting to slip away, my care, that is. And it's being replaced by indifference turning to apathy and spiraling to lifelessness. I don't like it and succumb to it, I wont. They say that to overcome your weakness you've got to own it. I know I've done too much owning, it's time to move to that part where you take steps to rid yourself of these weaknesses.

Some people believe that saying things out loud turns them to reality. But I've made too much noise, too much ruckus. I think I scared the reality fairies away. So what I need now is to restore my silence, as well as my focus.

And I don't mean sleep. I've really had too much of it. I think I'm sick. But then it probably comes from anemia, lack of exercise and boatloads of excuses. Yes, seeing the doctor's part of the plan too.

I try. Really. This is as much gusto as I can muster. But every time I do, I find more reasons to feel otherwise.